| Be aware of and discuss alcoholism in the family,or other factors that put children at risk. Build on the assets in your child,family,school and community. |
| The Homework Mastery Center Newsletter March/April 2010 |
Tips to avoid alcohol,
tobacco and other drug
problems in children.
Talk to your children.
Listen to your children.
Have family rules.
Start early by preventing
tobacco use.
Provide good role modeling.
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INSIDE THIS ISSUE
K-12 tutoring
Parenting Coaching
Parent Homework
Help Workshops
- Sharing
Affection with
Your children
Then and Now
- Cultivate Your
Child's
Intelligence
- Tips to avoid
alcohol,
tobacco and
other drug
problems in
children
K-12 tutoring
Parenting Coaching
Parent Homework
Help Workshops
Sharing Affection with Your children, Then and Now
By Sarah Mahoney
When your children are little, parenthood is pretty much a
contact sport -- a nonstop marathon of smooching and
snuggling. Fast-forward to their teen years, and it's an
entirely different story. Take my 14-year-old, for example.
I used to put his sweet little baby toes in my mouth just to
make him giggle. Now he not only has a pair of huge hairy
man feet, but all of our tender moments -- including those
times he rests his chin on the top of my head, just to
show how tall he is-happen entirely on his terms. And what
about his 16-year-old sister? Sure, she'll occasionally play
footsie with me while we watch House. But if I hug her
uninvited, she turns into a human surfboard.
Experts say we shouldn't let those cold shoulders fool us.
Children not only want us to reach out to them, but also
need constant reminders that we care. "Teenagers know
that they're often no fun to be around," says Dan Kindlon,
PhD, a child psychology professor at Harvard University.
"But they still want you to love them -- and want you to
show it." Remember that hold-me-close-now-let-me-go
dance your toddler did on the playground, racing away
from you to swing or slide, but zooming back to the
mother ship for reassurance? "It's the exact same dance,"
Kindlon says. "It's just that teens go away further, and
stay away longer." This distancing, which is vital to
becoming independent, typically starts in the tween years,
"when children start to walk 20 feet ahead of you in a
parking lot and race up to their room and shut the door
the minute they get home," says Elizabeth Cauffman, PhD,
a psychologist and adolescent development specialist at
the University of California, Irvine.
The behavior also stems from the awkwardness of
puberty. "These children are suddenly having lots of sexual
thoughts and feelings, so not only can hugs from mom feel
dangerous, but even verbal affection can seem
threatening," says James Windell, M.A., a clinical
psychologist in Oakland, Michigan, and coauthor of The
Fatherstyle Advantage: Surefire Techniques Every Parent
Can Use to Raise Confident, Caring children (Stewart,
Tabori & Chang). Few teens manage this push-me/pull-you
stage gracefully, and parents, especially moms, wind up
feeling hurt. (I remember my son once asking me to sit five
rows behind him in the movie theater and sulking while I
watched Johnny Depp.) So we get too adamant about that
goodbye kiss, setting up power struggles. Or we withdraw,
rejecting children in ways that can hurt and confuse them.
Finding a middle ground gets harder and harder.
But it's important to keep in touch, and not just physically.
Parents need to ask children about their friends, listen
when they wail about school, and make lasagna or shoot
hoops when they're down in the dumps -- all those
gestures that psychologists lump under a big umbrella
called parental warmth. Without that daily shelter, teens
have a much tougher time learning social skills and building
self-esteem. Moms and dads also need those close
moments with their teens to avoid getting overly focused
on all the daily hassles and skirmishes, whether it's
insisting they can't wear cutoffs to school or don't have
dibs on the car radio. Following, some expert advice on
smart ways to show affection to your oh-so-aloof kids.
And not to worry -- before you know it, your 18-year-old
will navigate his way to independence and make a beeline
back to you.
Seven Steps to Staying Close
When your children starts insisting you keep your distance
-- in my house, that involves eye rolling, mock gagging or
the ultra-offensive "eww, get away from me!" -- relax. You
can show your teens you love them while still giving them
space.
1. Let your children go. Hard as it can be, it's important to
accept the fact that once your teen starts pulling away,
he's in charge, not you. "Try not to take it personally,"
says Glenn Kashurba, MD, an assistant psychiatry
professor at Drexel University and Allegheny University of
the Health Sciences in Pennsylvania. "He'll come back when
he needs to -- and you should be there for him." To make
things easier, talk to your teens about what's happening.
"Tell them you understand why they need to keep their
distance," says Glenn Roisman, PhD, a professor of
developmental psychology at the University of Illinois at
Urbana-Champaign, "and that it's okay because you're
entering a new phase of your relationship."
2. Respect your teen's rep. When children are hanging with
their friends, it's important they look cool. Don't mess that
up with any displays of affection -- which are certain to be
rebuffed-in front of your children's peers, Cauffman
advises. Hugs can wait until no one else is around.
3. Start new routines. The days of tucking them into bed
at night or waking them up with a kiss may be long gone,
but that doesn't mean you can't find clever ways to start
some new show-your-love rituals. Try blowing a bedtime
kiss through their door. Or pat them on the back when
you hand them lunch money in the morning. Playfully insist
on a smooch every time you hand over the car keys. The
point is making an affectionate gesture habit, which they'll
come to rely on even if they act like they hate it.
4. Find affection alternatives. Kashurba suggests parents,
especially dads, modify the ways they show affection to
their teens. Hugging daughters can become embarrassing
once their breasts begin to develop. Chances are you've
already figured out that rumpling her hair is out of the
question, so experiment. Try an occasional hip check by
the kitchen sink or a back scratch while she's at the
computer. Games -- whether it's touch football or flicking
each other with wet dishrags -- offer parents a chance to
stay physical with both boys and girls.
5. Chill their way. Flop down on the couch next to your
teen, even if it means you have to endure MTV's The Hills.
You might not be able to hug it out, but sitting shoulder-
to-shoulder and sharing a laugh can be the next best thing.
6. Pick your moments. Your teen may brush off most of
your overtures, but there are always unexpected times
when she feels especially vulnerable -- overwhelmed by
calculus, for example, or after a fight with her best friend.
Seize the moment. She might not ask for it, but she'd
really love a reassuring arm around the shoulder.
7. Remember, showing up matters most. When raising
teens, "being actively engaged in their daily lives trumps
everything," says Cauffman. That means rooting from the
bleachers at basketball games, eating dinner together most
nights, and really listening -- on their terms, not yours --
without judgment.
Cultivate Your Child’s Intelligence
Be sure your home is a place that stimulates the senses –
touch, sight, smell, hearing, and taste. Find toys or play
materials with bright colors, unique textures, interesting
sounds and smells. Teach your child colors, numbers, and
letters. Make sure play materials and toys are age
appropriate. Encourage exploration while monitoring safety.
Talk to your child often and in complete sentences.
By Sarah Mahoney
When your children are little, parenthood is pretty much a
contact sport -- a nonstop marathon of smooching and
snuggling. Fast-forward to their teen years, and it's an
entirely different story. Take my 14-year-old, for example.
I used to put his sweet little baby toes in my mouth just to
make him giggle. Now he not only has a pair of huge hairy
man feet, but all of our tender moments -- including those
times he rests his chin on the top of my head, just to
show how tall he is-happen entirely on his terms. And what
about his 16-year-old sister? Sure, she'll occasionally play
footsie with me while we watch House. But if I hug her
uninvited, she turns into a human surfboard.
Experts say we shouldn't let those cold shoulders fool us.
Children not only want us to reach out to them, but also
need constant reminders that we care. "Teenagers know
that they're often no fun to be around," says Dan Kindlon,
PhD, a child psychology professor at Harvard University.
"But they still want you to love them -- and want you to
show it." Remember that hold-me-close-now-let-me-go
dance your toddler did on the playground, racing away
from you to swing or slide, but zooming back to the
mother ship for reassurance? "It's the exact same dance,"
Kindlon says. "It's just that teens go away further, and
stay away longer." This distancing, which is vital to
becoming independent, typically starts in the tween years,
"when children start to walk 20 feet ahead of you in a
parking lot and race up to their room and shut the door
the minute they get home," says Elizabeth Cauffman, PhD,
a psychologist and adolescent development specialist at
the University of California, Irvine.
The behavior also stems from the awkwardness of
puberty. "These children are suddenly having lots of sexual
thoughts and feelings, so not only can hugs from mom feel
dangerous, but even verbal affection can seem
threatening," says James Windell, M.A., a clinical
psychologist in Oakland, Michigan, and coauthor of The
Fatherstyle Advantage: Surefire Techniques Every Parent
Can Use to Raise Confident, Caring children (Stewart,
Tabori & Chang). Few teens manage this push-me/pull-you
stage gracefully, and parents, especially moms, wind up
feeling hurt. (I remember my son once asking me to sit five
rows behind him in the movie theater and sulking while I
watched Johnny Depp.) So we get too adamant about that
goodbye kiss, setting up power struggles. Or we withdraw,
rejecting children in ways that can hurt and confuse them.
Finding a middle ground gets harder and harder.
But it's important to keep in touch, and not just physically.
Parents need to ask children about their friends, listen
when they wail about school, and make lasagna or shoot
hoops when they're down in the dumps -- all those
gestures that psychologists lump under a big umbrella
called parental warmth. Without that daily shelter, teens
have a much tougher time learning social skills and building
self-esteem. Moms and dads also need those close
moments with their teens to avoid getting overly focused
on all the daily hassles and skirmishes, whether it's
insisting they can't wear cutoffs to school or don't have
dibs on the car radio. Following, some expert advice on
smart ways to show affection to your oh-so-aloof kids.
And not to worry -- before you know it, your 18-year-old
will navigate his way to independence and make a beeline
back to you.
Seven Steps to Staying Close
When your children starts insisting you keep your distance
-- in my house, that involves eye rolling, mock gagging or
the ultra-offensive "eww, get away from me!" -- relax. You
can show your teens you love them while still giving them
space.
1. Let your children go. Hard as it can be, it's important to
accept the fact that once your teen starts pulling away,
he's in charge, not you. "Try not to take it personally,"
says Glenn Kashurba, MD, an assistant psychiatry
professor at Drexel University and Allegheny University of
the Health Sciences in Pennsylvania. "He'll come back when
he needs to -- and you should be there for him." To make
things easier, talk to your teens about what's happening.
"Tell them you understand why they need to keep their
distance," says Glenn Roisman, PhD, a professor of
developmental psychology at the University of Illinois at
Urbana-Champaign, "and that it's okay because you're
entering a new phase of your relationship."
2. Respect your teen's rep. When children are hanging with
their friends, it's important they look cool. Don't mess that
up with any displays of affection -- which are certain to be
rebuffed-in front of your children's peers, Cauffman
advises. Hugs can wait until no one else is around.
3. Start new routines. The days of tucking them into bed
at night or waking them up with a kiss may be long gone,
but that doesn't mean you can't find clever ways to start
some new show-your-love rituals. Try blowing a bedtime
kiss through their door. Or pat them on the back when
you hand them lunch money in the morning. Playfully insist
on a smooch every time you hand over the car keys. The
point is making an affectionate gesture habit, which they'll
come to rely on even if they act like they hate it.
4. Find affection alternatives. Kashurba suggests parents,
especially dads, modify the ways they show affection to
their teens. Hugging daughters can become embarrassing
once their breasts begin to develop. Chances are you've
already figured out that rumpling her hair is out of the
question, so experiment. Try an occasional hip check by
the kitchen sink or a back scratch while she's at the
computer. Games -- whether it's touch football or flicking
each other with wet dishrags -- offer parents a chance to
stay physical with both boys and girls.
5. Chill their way. Flop down on the couch next to your
teen, even if it means you have to endure MTV's The Hills.
You might not be able to hug it out, but sitting shoulder-
to-shoulder and sharing a laugh can be the next best thing.
6. Pick your moments. Your teen may brush off most of
your overtures, but there are always unexpected times
when she feels especially vulnerable -- overwhelmed by
calculus, for example, or after a fight with her best friend.
Seize the moment. She might not ask for it, but she'd
really love a reassuring arm around the shoulder.
7. Remember, showing up matters most. When raising
teens, "being actively engaged in their daily lives trumps
everything," says Cauffman. That means rooting from the
bleachers at basketball games, eating dinner together most
nights, and really listening -- on their terms, not yours --
without judgment.
Cultivate Your Child’s Intelligence
Be sure your home is a place that stimulates the senses –
touch, sight, smell, hearing, and taste. Find toys or play
materials with bright colors, unique textures, interesting
sounds and smells. Teach your child colors, numbers, and
letters. Make sure play materials and toys are age
appropriate. Encourage exploration while monitoring safety.
Talk to your child often and in complete sentences.
